The Curt Jester Presents
"Liturgy for Ignoramuses"
Your first step to liturgical understanding |
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Your first step is to find a Catholic Church to go to. In the past this was a simple procedure of driving around your neighborhood until you spotted one.
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 The two pictures are both Catholic Churches
and although the eye can not normally spot the architectural
and design similarities, they do exist - people smarter
than us tell us that it is so.
One technique is to find a sign in the front that says "Catholic Church", if there is also a sign advertising Bingo then you have correctly identified it. |
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| Approach the entrance of your local Catholic Church | Before entering listen closely for the strains of Marty Haugen or other modern liturgical music. | ||
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Emergency Church Exit Procedures |
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| If detected, run don't walk to the nearest exit. | Look at your list of backup parishes or call 1-800-MASSTIME. | ||
Fun Facts! |
Rubrics |
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GIRM stands for the General Instruction of the Roman Missal.
The Roman Missal is made up of two parts: The Lectionary for Mass and
what we currently call the Sacramentary, the book with prayers and
directions (rubrics) for celebrating Mass. |
Contrary to popular understanding rubrics does not come from the Latin for "things to ignore during Mass" It is actually from the Latin word red and is used to indicate stuff you should actually do! | ||
Bless yourself |
Sign of the Cross |
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 Now
find the Holy Water font. This can be anywhere from around three inches
to the size of a backyard pool. |
While making the sign of the cross say "In the name of
the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. AMEN." |
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Before the start of Mass |
The Cantor |
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| Some people like to prepare themselves
before the Mass starts. Some will sit or kneel and pray silently and
some will pray the Rosary. Some to prepare themselves for the greatest prayer on earth will talk and gossip constantly to the person next to them. |
The Cantor might announce the start of the Mass and the opening hymn
and other hymns throughout. If you notice the Cantor moving their arms about strangely or playing weird instruments, do not be alarmed and call a psychiatric hospital. These are considered normal behaviors for a cantor. Cantors also have the strange speech impediment where they are unable to say priest. They will use words instead like presider to overcome this problem.  |
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The Priest |
[Introductory Rite] |
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The priest says a greeting something like,
'The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship
of the Holy Spirit be with
you all."
The people respond, "And also with you." Now if you wonder why the Latin "Et cum spiritu tuo" wasn't translated to "And with your spirit", we will come to the wonderful world of ICEL shortly |
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The Penitential Rite |
The Kyrie |
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A time for the priest and people to reflect on their sins and express repentance for those sins. If the Confeitor prayer is used then strike your breast when you say "through my own fault" If you are without sin like most American Catholics who don't go to confession, then strike someone else's breast |
A litany of mercy: Sometimes The Kyrie actually uses Kyrie such as in: "Kyrie
eleison. If this happens, double check that you aren't in an SSPX chapel. |
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[Liturgy of the Word] |
Feeling ICEL-ated? |
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On Sundays and other Holy Days of Obligation we will normally have a
reading from the Old Testament, a non-Gospel New Testament reading, and
then the Gospel. |
If you are wondering about the sub par biblical translations and all the brother and sister inclusions, don't worry about it. Back in the 60s the Church saw the rising unemployment of incompetent translators and out of charity gave them a job on the International Commission on English in the Liturgy [ICEL]. |
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The Gospel Reading |
The Homily |
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| The Gospel is read by someone with Holy Orders i.e. Deacon/Priest/Bishop. Again if you detect a non-standard issuance, refer to the "Emergency Church Exit Procedures" | The homily is based on the readings of the day. As far as I have been able to determine it is an art form where you try to constantly give spiritual talks without ever using the words abortion, contraception, fornication, adultery, repentance, and sin. | ||
Profession of Faith - The Creed |
What's up with that? |
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| The Nicene Creed is then recited by all of
the faithful. During this part of the creed:
" by the power of the Holy Spirit he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became
man." All are to make a profound bow. At Christmas, all are to genuflect at these
words. |
You might ask "Hey I am following the postures you are specifying, but I see nobody else doing them?" To learn the answer to that, it is time to meet the Liturgist. |
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The Liturgist |
Obligatory Liturgist Joke |
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The Liturgist has the difficult task of reading the plain words of the GIRM and then writing documents and instructing others into why kneeling really means to stand up. | There is a joke that God saw that the American Church was
not suffering so he gave us liturgist. Personally I would have preferred the old fashion fire and brimstone or a 40 day flood. |
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| If you want to understand the saying "talk till you are blue
in the face", then try arguing with a liturgist. My suggestion if approached by a liturgist is to not listen and to nod politely as they talk and then run at your first opportunity. |
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General Intercessions (Prayer of the Faithful) |
[Liturgy of the Eucharist] |
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| The needs of the Church, community, world,
nation, special intentions are made to God. Someone will instruct you that the response is "Lord, hear our prayers!" We must be reminded of this each week even though the response never changes. |
Eucharist which means thanksgiving is the heart of the entire liturgical celebration. Pay attention, or more accurately pray attention. Unlike the apostles who slept in that hour before Jesus was taken away, we are called to worship during the hour of the Mass |
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Preparation Of The Gifts |
Eucharistic Prayer |
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The offering of ourselves is made symbolically by the presentation of the bread and wine from the congregation. The presentation of the gifts and the accompanying prayers of the priest, however, is not the offering of the Mass. It is but the initial stage preparing the material for the sacrifice, and the symbolic expression of uniting ourselves with the sacrifice of Christ. This highly symbolic act is done by coughing up a dollar bill. The church exists outside of time and space and rules about currency inflation don't seem to apply. If a dollar was good enough for our forebears 100 years ago it is good enough for us now. |
The Eucharistic prayer, a prayer of thanksgiving and sanctification,
is the center and high point of the entire celebration.
In an introductory dialog the priest invites the people to lift their hearts to God in prayer and thanks; he unites them with Himself in the prayer he addresses in their name to the Father through Jesus Christ. The meaning of the prayer is that the whole congregation joins Christ in acknowledging the works of God and in offering the sacrifice". |
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The Consecration |
The Our Father |
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| As Catholics we believe and confirm that when the words of
consecration are said by the priest that the bread and wine are transfigured
into the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ. The Church uses the
technical term transubstantiation to describe this process, So the next time some Gallup Poll representative asks you a question about the Eucharist, please answer correctly. |
Contrary to what the Diocese of Cleveland has put out this is not the correct posture during the Our Father.
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Kiss of Peace (Grip and Grin) |
Holy Communion |
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| This is the part of the Liturgy
where males test their hand shake abilities and see if they can cause
major nerve damage in the
hand of the recipient. Others practice their hugging skills and see if they can hug everybody within fifty feet.  |
After the Agnus Dei, who is not related to
AC/DC's guitarist Agnus Young, and the breaking of the bread - the
faithful receive
Holy
Communion. If you want to know if you can receive communion kneeling and you have twenty hours to spare, then read the debate between Rerum Novarum and SecretAgentMan's Dossier. |
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Concluding Rite |
What about singing? |
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This is the part of the Mass where the great commission is announced "Go out into the whole world and have coffee and donuts." This part of the liturgy is also used to determine those who have birthdays,
anniversaries, and who are from out of town. |
As Catholics we don't have to worry about singing. If they had wanted us to sing they would not have chosen songs in the vocal range of dolphins and whales, but could've chosen songs in the normal human range. | ||
Some things to remember |
The gates of Hell will not prevail upon the Church |
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| As you go to Masses offered by
different parishes do not be surprised at the unconformity of how the
Mass is celebrated.
Do not be surprised at silly homilies and irreverent parishioners. Just
try to pray and remember Jesus' promise. |
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This post was inspired (blatantly ripped off) from the both The Lemon and Victor Lams
Known as 
Now THAT must have been a lot of work to create! What a riot! I love a good parody! Well done!
Fascinating...
Excellent! I see you've been eating your salsa, Dr. Miller!
I loved the animation on the sign of the cross!
Wonderful Jeff. I don't even want to think about how much work it must have been.
Brilliant!
Excellent! I thought the discussion of architecture was especially funny.
Dude, you need a publisher.
Bravo! I'll have to link to this later.
*applause*
very fine! (Thanks to the recovering Choir Director for directing me hither.)
But Lord have mercy, WHATTTTTTTT is that architectural monstrosity in the top picture?
Outstanding Jeff! And that architectural monstrosity is really an old Irish Dolmen, right? Or was it Stonehenge before the earthquake...?
I haven't had such a great laugh in a long time.
Someone should send this link to Bishop Wilton Gregory. ;-)
Very well done indeed, Jeff. Many thanks.
Grace and Peace.
Mark Shea's blog tipped me off to this - I couldn't stop laughing. Much of it hits too close to home.
You may want to correct (General Intercessions)
"Lord hear are prayers"
Thanks Tim, I have made the correction.
Thanks to all for the kind words.
wait a minute--is that in the GIRM ;)
*standing ovation* Wait a minute--is that in the GIRM? ;)
Got this from "And Then" and am still cracking up. Great job, Jeff!
Hey, isn't it "Lord, here our prayers!"
My sides nearly split, especially in regards to the "stop drop and roll" in Cleveland. I know at least one priest from that diocese, and I wouldn't put it past him!
Phil Adams
St. Francis of Assisi Church
Columbus, Ohio
Karl, right yor are. I updated it again.
Fabulous! hahaha you're killing me. It's let's off a lot of the steam from having to live through it I tell you!
here are prayers, or hear our prayers, this was such a beautiful spoof - or was it?
Gen -
No that's the real deal ...located in Germany, I believe.
It should be called St. Barney Rubble's Church
At least I am NOT the only one laughing at serious topics. You are proof that WE CANNOT TAKE OUR SELVES TOO TOO SERIOUSLY! Nice job.
Hey, your Google Eyed fellow up there looks like a cantor. Eddie Cantor!
This is absolutely the funniest thing I have ever seen. And so true.
I've suggested another version of the liturgist joke on my blog:
http://www.freewebs.com/southfarthing/
Do they issue liturgists in models with and without brains? I think we've got the cheaper version.
I wish there was a downloadable PDF version of this.
That was great. I just hope I don't break out laughing at Mass next Sunday when I see something that reminds me of this.
Hysterical....sounds like too many parishes including mine.......
LOL! Shawn and I are shooting for a final 40-hour figure on symbolic grounds.
That rocks!! ;)
I haven't laughed so hard in a long time,
but almost sad how much was true . . .
Take the "Liturgist's" salary and give it to the poor!
Too bad this can't be used as a 'hand-out at all Catholic churches!
I thank God, I belong to a TOTALLY Roman Catholic Church!
How do I get myself into these things?
oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I laughed until I cried, I was actually coughing from laughing so hard. Right now I am vainly trying to clear my throat...Thank you! (for making me laugh, not the throat coughing part) It made me realize though some funny things us Catholics do sometimes. God bless!
by the way, I too thank God that I have a magisterium faithful priest who uses every one of those often avoided words in his sermon-I appreciate him more now...
While you made a couple of good points, I have to disagree with you on one. I am the director of a contemporary choir, and I have a hard time with the thinking that any music younger than 200 years old has no place in the Mass. ALL music was once new. Older doesn't mean better. True, there are some modern pieces that are reminiscent of the musical genius of Barry Manilow and Barney the dinosaur, but there are a lot of beautiful AND appropriate songs being written, sung and prayed today. Might I suggest that you check out the works of Steven C. Warner, published by World Library Publications (WLP). I think you'll find his works to be a nice blend of contemporary AND "traditional" sounding music.
And for the record, there are a LOT of liturgists out there who are faithful to the documents.
Excellent satire, and like all the best satire, horribly true.
One small crit: could you alter the (doubtless intentional) 'could of chosen' (under 'Singing') to the correct 'could have chosen' or the elision 'could've' chosen? I know I'm pedantic, but when you spend most of your working life correcting children who make that mistake continually, it grates!
Very, very funny but sadly, true also. I wish I could copy it and send it to my parish priest.
This is so funny, but oh' so true, Iam e-mailing to alot of folks. Thank you
This is brilliant. I am sending this to my Bishop!
There is a great sense of humour here and Thank God for the authors wit. Oh! And Fr Anthoy for amking me aware of this humour. Great Craic as we say in Ireland.
It is great to see such a sense of humour thank you Fr Anthony I shall pass this around and hopefully put cheer in many hearts.
This was wonderful. As a potential convert, I want the Real Thing, not Catholic Light -- so I'm glad there are folks like you who value what's substantive and can still laugh. A brilliant acheivement.
oops, I meant ACHIEVEMENT.
This was a great read, I just must have missed one thing... We to know how to find the tabernacle!
Hey,
More commentary from the spiritual Baltrinic Family. This is great, really. It doesn't get better. We love Christ! He beats us daily. Because we DESERVE it. (at St. Francis DeSales, Akron, Ohio - do not send your precious children there)
Could you do one up for the eastern rite.....would make an interesting comparison....since we still have the semblance of a liturgy!
Humor is still alive and well in the Church. ;)
A classic. I hope this page never dies.
Rich
A real crack up. Haha.
However, I note that many priests, bishops and modernistic laity will laugh too but will not actually go on to actually amend their ways.
The point about this humour is to get modernists to not only laugh along but to then realise what goose behaviour they have fiosted on Catholics who wish to have a Novus Ordo Mass with priest facing the tabernacle and using some Latin- all envisaged by Vatican II. Unfortunately the gangs running many/most dioceses have just done their own liturgical so-callled development(not to mention alley cat false catechetics, alley cat moral and social activism that is divorced from the Church's own teachings). All in an effort to please the world.
The world meanwhile has learnt to despise the Church even more.Pagans greeting fellow pagans, eh.
Have a laugh by all means, but start learning. I know that learning is hard for the modernists because blindness in all its dimensions is so deadly.
It's humorous,yes, but it's also tragic that we can we can find humor at Mass. Among other things where did "commentators" learn to say "good morning" as if they were opening a business meeting?
Wow, that was beautiful. Not as beautiful as a Schola Cantorum singing Benedictine chant during a mass, mind you, but beautiful "in its own special way".
Reminds me of the question, "What's the difference between a liturgist and a terrorist...."
"
You can negotiate with a terrorist..."
This was hilarious, Jeff. I'm forwarding it to a priest-friend (hope he remains a friend)!
No fair printing something that funny just as "Catholic Blog o' the Year" begins!
All the other humor bloggers, and most of the others will cringe with embarassment when they compare their efforts to yours.
Great post!
Should have been "Blog o' the Year" voting begins.
Haha! That's awesome! Too bad I'm in a library and can't laugh out loud!
So, what's wrong with being at an SSPX chapel?
Very funny parody nonetheless.
In JMJ,
Missy
I reread this a couple times a year. It's a classic. :)