If Jonah had a blog

First Entry

Now being a prophet I know that I am going to end up turning in a scroll at the end of my adventures and activities so I thought I should start this weblog to keep track of what goes on so making that scroll won't be to difficult. It's kind of cool to be a Biblical Prophet, your guaranteed to get published and you also get a scroll with your name prominently on it at the top.

Posted by Jonah, evening in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

Travel
After sleeping on this I have made a decision and have decided to book passage not to Nineveh but to Tarshish instead. Maybe if I go the totally opposite direction to Tarshish instead, the Lord might find someone else for this mission instead of me. So I am headed to Joppa.

Posted by Jonah, morning in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

Joppa

I just got to Joppa and I am really tired. Have you ever noticed that when you read the sacred scrolls and they are talking about the prophets moving about that one minute they are in one location and the next line in another? Well going from Jerusalem to Joppa is no leisurely stroll. I have a theory that since Moses wrote the Book of Numbers and all the complaints about it dragging with all the list of names and such that the Holy Spirit has been much more strict in the capacity as an editor.

I have been working to get some money to book passage to Tarshish but the money lenders have not been very cooperative. They ask you what's your current profession and you reply prophet, they give you an odd look and then ask you if you have a job that pays. Even as I talked to people on the road to Joppa, they would ask me what I do for a living and I would then tell them they would then avoid me and look at them like I was about to tell them to repent or something. There is an old saying that a prophet is not appreciated in his own town, I am here to tell you that he is not much appreciated out of town either and can't even get a line of credit.

Posted by Jonah, Evening in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

At Sea

I have managed to scrape up the money for passage and I am now on a ship bound for passage. Captain Stubing of the Jewish Princess Cruise Lines seems like a nice enough guy. I am not much interested in playing shuffleboard and I also want to avoid all the widows looking for new husbands. Normally us prophets our celibate, you never hear about a Mrs. Isaiah or a Mrs. Habakkuk. Of course the Lord appointing the harlot Gomer to be the wife of Hosea, but that was mainly done as a symbol to reflect Israel's unfaithfulness to him. So I think I would rather be celibate then for the Lord to appoint a wife for me , especially since he is so big into symbolism. You just never know what he will symbolize next. There were a group of prophets that wanted me to sign a letter to get rid of the discipline of celibacy but I declined. So I think I will find a nice inner part of the ship to sleep in.

Posted by Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

Storming

I was deeply asleep and the captain came and woke me up shouting "What do you mean, you sleeper? Arise, call upon your god! Perhaps the god will give a thought to us, that we do not perish." I got up and looked outside and saw the mighty tempest threatening to break up the ship.

The crew decided to cast lots and see on whose account this evil has come and the darn thing pointed to me. The crew started asking me who I was, what I did, and what country I came from. I replied "I am a Hebrew; and I fear the LORD, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the dry land." The crew was afraid and asked me what I had done and what I could do to quiet the seas for they now knew that I had run from the presence of the Lord. I then told them:

"Take me up and throw me into the sea; then the sea will quiet down for you; for I know it is because of me that this great tempest has come upon you."

This was not the smartest thing I have ever said, that's what happens when you get awakened during a good nap.

The crew started crying to the Lord "We beseech thee, O LORD, let us not perish for this man's life, and lay not on us innocent blood; for thou, O LORD, hast done as it pleased thee."

I see the crew coming towards me, time to log off.

Posted by Jonah, Evening in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

All's Whale that ends Whale

After being tossed from the ship the storm finally let up and the seas have quieted. Here I am out in the sea with no land in site and I am thinking what could be worse. I have come to find out from first hand experience that the Lord is a practical joker at heart and I am now writing from the interior of a whale. Now you might find this hard to believe that I can post to my blog from here but it is true. Whales emit this high frequency song like tone that at first might seem to be some kind of language. This whale is emitting this noise because he has an upset stomach. So I am using the local WI-FI (Whale Interior-Frequent Indigestion) network to update my blog.

It is hard to describe the experience of being inside of a whale. Of course it is really dark and there is that smell but I am starting to get use to that. What bothers me is the plankton. Plankton are these small marine animals and plants that the whale eats to survive. They are everywhere, in my hair, beard, ears, and up my nose. It is hard to see with all the plankton in my eyes. It is a good thing that there is nobody else in here with me because I would have had to first remove the plankton from my eyes before I could see clearly to remove the plankton from his eyes.

These plankton being so small it is hard to see if they have fins and gills since any other type of plankton would be unclean. So I have to be really careful in opening my mouth and preventing any unclean animals from entering.

Posted by Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

Day 2

Not much going on today. It is boring with no one to talk to, you would think that a whale would have something to say with them always spouting off. I am still pretty mad about this situation I find myself in. But it's better than going to Nineveh.

Posted by Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

Day 3

I was thinking about what I posted yesterday and realized that maybe it was just a little bit my fault that I ended up here. Maybe I should have followed the Lord's directions and gone to Nineveh. I have written this prayer and so here goes.

Then Jonah prayed to the LORD his God from the belly of the fish, saying, "I called to the LORD, out of my distress, and he answered me; out of the belly of Sheol I cried, and thou didst hear my voice. For thou didst cast me into the deep, into the heart of the seas, and the flood was round about me; all thy waves and thy billows passed over me.
Then I said, `I am cast out from thy presence; how shall I again look upon thy holy temple?' The waters closed in over me, the deep was round about me; weeds were wrapped about my head at the roots of the mountains. I went down to the land whose bars closed upon me for ever; yet thou didst bring up my life from the Pit, O LORD my God. When my soul fainted within me, I remembered the LORD; and my prayer came to thee, into thy holy temple. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their true loyalty. But I with the voice of thanksgiving will sacrifice to thee; what I have vowed I will pay. Deliverance belongs to the LORD!"

Something is happening, the whale seems to be having a real bad case of upset stomach and there appears to be a large wall of stuff coming towards me.

Posted by Jonah, Evening in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

Assyria

Being vomited up by a whale is nothing to write home about but at least now I find myself on the shore of Assyria. Now that I am out of the whale I am having second thoughts about going to Nineveh. Being a prophet isn't what it's cracked up to be, here I am going to Nineveh and I don't even get to smite anyone. My role-prophet is Elijah, now that's a prophet's prophet. First Elijah taunted the priests of Baal when they were unable to light their sacrifice and then in a real display of showmanship he poured water on his and then asked the Lord to light it. Now an amateur prophet might have gone strait to calling the Lord to light the fire and miss out on all the buildup and suspense. Then Elijah got to smite all the priests of Baal and then at the end of his life he also got that cool ride in a flaming chariot with fine Corinthian leather.

Me I got three stinking days of riding in a whale.

Wait, I just got a new message from the Lord "Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and proclaim to it the message that I tell you."

Posted by Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

Nineveh

My throat is certainly sore. I have been walking around town all day shouting "Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!" I haven't seen much reaction so far by the Ninevites so maybe they will ignore me and the Lord's message and the Lord will smite them after all. Things are looking up.

Update: Unfortunately it looks like the people were listening after all. The king has just proclaimed "By the decree of the king and his nobles: Let neither man nor beast, herd nor flock, taste anything; let them not feed, or drink water, but let man and beast be covered with sackcloth, and let them cry mightily to God; yea, let every one turn from his evil way and from the violence which is in his hands. Who knows, God may yet repent and turn from his fierce anger, so that we perish not?"

That blows.

Update: Yea there putting on sackcloth and repenting just like I knew they would. I am pretty down, I wrote the following bit that I think I will put into my official scroll.

"I pray thee, LORD, is not this what I said when I was yet in my country? That is why I made haste to flee to Tarshish; for I knew that thou art a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and repentest of evil. Therefore now, O LORD, take my life from me, I beseech thee, for it is better for me to die than to live."

The Lord replied: "Do you do well to be angry?"

Posted by Jonah, Evening in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

Outside of Nineveh

I am sitting on a hill where I have made a booth to the east of the city to see what will happen. It's pretty hot and I am sweating pretty hard.

Update:This is more like it. The Lord God had appointed a plant to rise up to give shade over my head. I am exceedingly glad.

Posted by Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

Still outside of Nineveh

I told you God was a practical joker. Just as I got use to the shade from that plant now it is gone and God has appointed a sultry east wind and the sun beats down upon my head and I am feeling faint.

I shouted out It is better for me to die than to live. But God replied "Do you do well to be angry for the plant?"

And I told him "I do well to be angry, angry enough to die."

I just keep saying dumb things.

The LORD said, "You pity the plant, for which you did not labor, nor did you make it grow, which came into being in a night, and perished in a night. And should not I pity Nineveh, that great city, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand persons who do not know their right hand from their left, and also much cattle?"

I think I will shut up and be quiet. The Lord made some good points that I need to reflect upon. I knew that Ninevites were messed up, I didn't realize they had a left hand/right hand learning disability.

Posted by Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link] [Comment]

Abode of the Dead

It's been a long time since I updated my blog. When I died I went down to Sheol the abode of the dead. All the prophets and me got together and where watching what unfolds as Jesus is preaching the good news. We are pretty sure he is going to come down to retrieve us soon. I can hardly wait.

Hey wait I just heard Jesus referring to me. COOL!

"This generation is an evil generation; it seeks a sign, but no sign will be given it, except the sign of Jonah.
Just as Jonah became a sign to the Ninevites, so will the Son of Man be to this generation. At the judgment
the queen of the south will rise with the men of this generation and she will condemn them, because she came from the ends of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon, and there is something greater than Solomon here. At the judgment the men of Nineveh will arise with this generation and condemn it, because at the preaching of Jonah they repented, and there is something greater than Jonah here."

I should have known it. I told you God was into symbolism and now I find out that I spent three days in a stinking whale with an upset stomach so that he could have a sign to refer to. Oh well Sign of Jonah does sound neat.

What are you laughing about Jeremiah? At least the Lord didn't make me bury my waistcloth for a couple of days as a symbol. And I don't know what you find so funny Zephaniah, at least people still name their sons after me.

Posted by Jonah at eternity [Link] [Comment]