February 25, 2007
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At L-Mart we are here to make your Lent the best Lent ever. Other stores advertise to invoke your materialistic side. To buy what you don't need with money you probably don't have. Here at L-Mart our goal is your growth holiness and to grow in perfection to do what Our Lord and Savior continually calls us to.
Though at times there seem to be people in your parish that are working against you by depriving yourself of sacramentals and other aids to worship. This time of year is associated with Holy Water fonts going dry and other odd happenings which through good intentions are aimed to help you, but seriously miss there mark.
We at L-Mart to aid you from griping and complaining about such actions and take the positive approach by providing you with items to overcome unnecessary deprivations and other items to aid you.
Portable Font $7.99
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On Ash Wednesday does your parish remove the Holy Water from all the fonts? Do they replace it with marbles, sands, twigs, or basically any object but Holy Water? If so check out the Portable Font. Easily collapses and fits in your pocket. While traveling the water won't link, but with just one twist of our patented lid you can then dip your fingers and bless yourself. Holds enough water for you and your family. |
Lenten X-Ray $19.99
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Some parishes start covering statues, images, and crosses on the first day of Lent instead of at least waiting till after the fourth Sunday of Lent or Holy Week. If your parish deprives you early of these worship aids then but a pair of our Lenten X-Ray Vision glasses. We use the same technology used in the new airport security scanner that can see right through clothes and brought to you at an affordable price. Now obviously it would be quite problematic and a deterrent to holiness to see through every bodies clothes. That is why our product has built-in Infrared technology so that the glasses capability is turned off in area where human body heat is detected. This way you can see right through the material covering statues, images, and crosses and also remain pure at the same time. |
Stations of the Cross Viewmaster $14.98
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Does your parish have a real abstract set of the Stations of the Cross. As you go from station to station is your first meditation "What the heck is this suppose to represent." That some wannabe Picasso has managed to con your parish. That without the text at the bottom of them you would have no clue as to meaning of the station?
If so you will love the Stations of the Cross Viewmaster. Each set comes with 14 awesome images which through the latest 3D technology look so real you will think you are in one of the more beautiful churches in Rome.
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Inward Binoculars $79.99
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Are you in the habit of fault watching? Where you watch others and catalog their faults like the most obsessive detail-oriented bird watcher?
Then you need the Inward Binoculars. Instead of training your eyes on others these Binoculars focus inward to reveal your faults. First start at the lowest magnification levels since it is more than likely your faults will be easily seen at this level. As you progress in the spiritual life you can increase the magnification. The fault comparison algorithm is not computed on others compared to yourself, but yourself compared to Jesus. The inward binoculars work best when you keep your eyes on Jesus.
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Sacred Heart Monitor $279.99
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Is your will united with the Sacred Heart of Jesus? Does your heart beat with the will of Christ or is there little synchronization?
With the Sacred Heart Monitor you will know for sure. If the signal is flat lined you might not have the leads connected correctly. If you do and it is still flat lined it means your prayer life is dead. If this symptom is detected resuscitate your prayer life immediately with prayer. Reading the Gospels is highly recommended to jump start your heart and prayer life.
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Yuck Spice $2.99
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Are you one of those people who just love seafood and find abstinence from meat something not anyway penitential? If you fit into this category you will love to hate Yuck Spice.
Yuck Spice is a very unpleasant seasoning you sprinkle on your seafood or salad if you are a vegetarian. This makes your normally enjoyable meal quite penitential and much more fitting with the season.
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Snack Patch $14.99
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Have you made a Lenten commitment to give up all snacks during Lent yet in years past you have always failed to keep this resolution?
Introduction the Snack Patch. Each pack contains amounts of all the normal crap you read on the ingredients of most snack food of additives, preservatives, color additives, emulsifiers, etc. Each week you change your patch and each week it contains less and less of your normal snack chemical soup you so love.
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Sackcloth T $17.99
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Have you ever wanted to try out sackcloth, but just weren't sure how it was done properly?
If you answered yes you are a candidate for the Sackcloth T the finest in penitential undershirts and you can get them monogrammed. People might give you strange looks as you constantly scratch your upper body, but they won't know your wearing sackcloth under your work shirt.
If you want something more fashionable then you can also order are sackcloth hoodies. |
Ash Wednesday Stencil $2.99
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Are you one of the millions that go to Ash Wednesday services only to come away with the sign of the smudge? Disappointed once again that you don't have a distinctive cross on your forehead. That when your co-workers see you they offer you a napkin or tell you got some grease on your forehead?
Well this will never happen again if you have the Ash Wednesday Stencil. Simply remove the film on the stencil and attach the adhesive side to your forehead before ashes are distributed. After ashes are applied remove the stencil to have that perfect cross revealed.
While it is too late to use this product this year, order now so that next year you won't get smudged. |
Lenten Resolution Tablet $22.99
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Do you want to write down your Lenten resolutions to help to remind you to keep them, yet don't want to make them too permanent? The Lenten Resolution is perfect for people who have to keep downshifting their resolution.
If you start with "Pray 30 minutes a day" and then after a week found you didn't make it, then simply shake the Lenten Resolution tablet and put "Pray 20 minutes a day." Shake all you want. Our tablet can take it even when you get down to "Pray 5 minutes a day." |
At L-Mart we have these and many other great products to ensure you have a Holy Lent and to prepare yourself for the best Easter yet!
With every order you also get our great two-step infallible guide to growth in holiness.
1. Love God with your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength.
2. Love your neighbor as yourself.
...Repeat as necessary.
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* The sackcloth undershirt was provided courtesy of Alive and Young.
Posted by Jeff Miller at February 25, 2007 9:49 PM
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"Shop smart, shop L-mart!"
This is a great one. I love my religious trinkets, and now I see I definitely need L-Mart products!
Do you take Visa? Of course, I want those X-ray spectacles. With proximity locator for the Tabernacle, please.
Another gem from the Curt Jester. This one ranks up there with Rome Depot or Avazon. :D
This year the fonts still have holy water hallelujah! It's funny because the priest during Lent would preach about how the Devil steps up his attacks during this time. And yet for some reasom in the past the laity were forced into a sacramental fast.
Where can I order the inward binoculars? This is what I've been needing for years!
Great parody -- except it makes me wish it were true.
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I'll take one font and one set of binoculars. Just this past Friday, my husband was chuckling at me for smuggling a bottle of holy water into Mass. We all blessed ourselves in the pew.
Wow, how useful would this stuff be? My parish removed the Holy water from the fonts, removed the statues (all three of them - in addition to that Tabernacle locater i think we need one for statues too), stripped the altar (completely), and put up a hideous banner (not felt but that horrible almost see-through stuff) and a random sapling in the sanctuary. I can't make this stuff up people.
Now my parish has holy water in the fonts, but some years ago when it didn't I used a prescription pill bottle with a twist-off cap to carry holy water. It was small, watertight, and easy to use.
Speaking of holy water, some years ago I was at a Defending the Faith Conference at Franciscan University of Steubenville. The last talk was Sunday morning before Mass. Kimberly Hahn was the speaker. I think her topic was either Baptism or the sacraments in general. At one point she asked, rhetorically, "Why does the Church use holy water? Why does she put those things at the doors of churches?" The answer that immediately came to mind, although, of course, I didn't shout it out, was that the Church puts those things with holy water at the doors of churchers because she stoups to conquer.
Oh my gosh, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen lol!!
I'd like to order the Inward Binoculars too. I'm doing the Ignatian Exercises for Lent and they'd get me through weeks 2 and 3 no problem. LOL!
My son was reading over my shoulder as I was giggling about the snack patch, and he asked, "Does it work?" At 6'2, this 13 year old does not like the idea of fasting at all!
All this makes me smile; running out of excuses not to swim the Tiber.
Wish there was an L-mart here in Savannah!
Is your Hare Shirt still available to those that have not worked up to the Sack Cloth?
I love mine. Though I did where it around a Baptist friend that has a last name of Hare. He did not get it :-)
How about a Tabernacle Detector?
~nb
Too funny... especially since I had resolved not to do ANY blogreading in Lent. Mea culpa....
Perhaps I am rationalizing, but there may be a mitigating or even justifying circumstance, in that I decided to visit your blog in hopes of cheering my neighbor - with the following suggestion to the Jester for TOMORROW's blog:
_______________________________________________
ESTHER-C
"You need Esther C!!! You may say, 'It's Greek to me', but Esther-C provides you with a Catholicium supplement if you are suffering from hypocanonical sindrome (known to afflict many separated brothers). Without Esther C, you might know THAT Esther (the ultimate "Jewish Princess") WAS praying and fasting, but you don't know WHAT she said!!
In fact, if your living water is not deuterated properly, your Book of Esther won't mention God AT ALL!!!
Esther-C has been found to act in synergy with vitamin B-16! It is one of the few nutritional supplements approved by the FDA*.
*FDA = Faith Development Association
Testimonials:
"This is just the kind of thing I needed to develop some character. Deuteration is my dream!" - Mordecai, Keeper of the Great King's Keys
"We do not approve of the language used, (because Our favorite game is NOT 'Thermopolyae'), but We irrevocably decree that Deuterated Esther is just the thing to make Our day...and as for Our night, well, let Us just say, 'It's good to be the king!'" - Ahasuerus, or Xerxes, Great King of Persia.
*(Faith Development Association)
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Something like that, anyway. Perhaps you can refine it?
Time is of the essence, as the Mass Reading from Esther C is tomorrow!!!
I need the Ash Wednesday stencil---- why do I ALWAYS get smudged?
Just discovered your blog - priceless! Besides being glad for your eternal soul that you found the Catholic faith, I'm happy for the laughs for the rest of us. Thanks!
You can use a car or boat title as the substitute collateral
