September 12, 2004
MS Forger
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Introducing a new product in our Office line called Microsoft Forger. We have been copying other peoples software ideas for years, so who is better to provide you with a product that imitates other peoples style and signature. Microsoft Forger is the ultimate product for pundit-proof forgery. Even if you are just getting into forgery or are an old hand, this product will deliver all the power that you need to turn out credible documents with little or no effort. Just look at some of the incredible features included. |
Output machine selection - Select from a variety of emulators for everything from manual typewriters, IBM Selectrics, early model word processors such as Wang and many others. Font selection - Once you have selected the machine type, font selection is limited to only those fonts actually available for that machine. No longer will you make stupid mistakes like selecting Times New Roman for memorandum that were suppose to be typed on a IBM Selectric. Proportional fonts and kerning - Again options are limited by machine type Key emulation - Only those keys actually on the selected machine type are activated. Special features such as subscript and superscript will appear only as that machine would have outputted it. Some extremely amateur forgers have actually used features such as reduced font sized superscript "th" in documents that were suppose to have been from a normal typewriter. Our product will prevent such simple mistakes. Copy machine emulation - Before you print out your document you can have it automatically appear to have been run through a copy or fax machine multiple times. Lettering will look aged and blurred with random specks according to our specialized algorithm. Margins and document centering - Each document created is slightly different to account for the non-exact centering of manual machines and the variance of paper feeds. Nobody will be able to overlay your forgery with his own created forgery and have them exactly line up. Correction emulation - If your output type is for a device such as a typewriter you also need proper correction emulation since these documents were rarely perfect. Special effects such as type over, white out smudges, or coffee stains can be selectively applied. Signature scanning - Scan in a signature from a record in the public domain and MS Forger will automatically store it in a vector signature file for use in adding to your document. The signature scanner will remove artifacts such as lettering found underneath the signature scan. Add-Ons - There are many specialized add-ons that can be used depending on your document forgery needs. For a limited time only when you buy Microsoft Forger we will include the Texas National Guard Memorandum (TNGM) add-on for free. Here are just some of the features of the TNGM add-on.
Accreditation - Our documents have been accredited as undetectable by the National Organization of Forensic Document Examiners. And we are just not talking CBS's hired experts, but ones that can actually detect forged documents. So if you are a Kerry campaign operative or a CBS intern then this is the program for you. |
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What the hey? There's a processor called "Wang"?????
Posted by beng email at September 12, 2004 05:43 PMI don't know how you consistently are so funny and dead on target. Good one!
Posted by Julie D. email at September 12, 2004 05:43 PMBtw, you forgot to put the price tags on this spftware. Or should we just download it from Kazaa? a freeware ;)
Posted by beng email at September 12, 2004 05:46 PMSince this is a Microsoft product, you know it's going to be buggy. Someone will forge a document, and then it will turn out the program's got a bug and makes an easy to spot forgery to everyone not working at CBS.
New advertising pitch: Microsoft - Bungling forgeries since 1981. (Hey, they can be good for something!)
Posted by Justice email at September 12, 2004 06:10 PMBrilliant! -- Too bad Dan Rather didn't beta-test the trial version.
Posted by Christopher Blosser email at September 12, 2004 07:03 PMJeff...you are soooooo funny! I don't know how you come up with all these great ideas. You should send this in to LGF or Scrappleface!
This one is hilarious!
Posted by Billy email at September 12, 2004 07:50 PMNever buy version 1.0 of anything.
Posted by Fred Boness email at September 12, 2004 08:26 PMJust when I'm about to lose faith in humanity, you come out with this. Thanks for keeping my good humor alive despite the odds!
Posted by Scott W. Somerville email at September 13, 2004 05:21 AMYou're the best, Jeff! I'm gonna send this one around. :)
Posted by Matt C. Abbott email at September 13, 2004 11:17 AMYou forgot to emphasize the paper-indentation feature for when you're emulating a typewriter. This software is so sophisticated it can even make letter-shaped dents in the paper like a real typewriter, and embed microscopic pieces of ribbon thread in the dents.
Incredible stuff.
Posted by McGehee email at September 13, 2004 12:57 PMAnd the judges score it: 9, 9, 8.5, 10, 8.5, and from the CBS judge, a 2.
Great work.
Posted by Bill Peschel email at September 13, 2004 04:34 PMI forged the Bush/CBS Memos!
Posted by Sparticus email at September 13, 2004 04:40 PMThis is hysterical. However, You'll never corner the true pointy-head market without a Linux version.
Posted by Matt email at September 13, 2004 04:49 PMWill there be an extremely buggy mac version for this as well? You can call it Microsoft Forger X and have it only include features from like 3 years ago.
Posted by fuzz email at September 13, 2004 06:39 PMThe Mac version will brag more features, but will be delayed several times. Competing divisions of Microsoft will develop "Giuliani Illicit Affair" and "Jeb Bush Florida Election" plug-ins. Public Beta 1.02c will be out by August 2008. Due to a security hole in the Windows version, copies of some forged documents will be inadvertently emailed to all RNC members in its database.
Posted by OTTO email at September 13, 2004 09:21 PMWe need to start a OSS project on SourceForge before Microsoft achieves vendor lock-in in this vital part of the software ecosystem.
Posted by Much Annoy email at September 13, 2004 11:14 PMBloody brilliant. I'm emailing your link around.
Also, don't forget the ever-valuable tool that mimics double-strikes, strikes of uneven force and of course the over-inked or under-inked ribbon look.
Does it mean that I'm old because I know all of this?
Posted by Blogbat email at September 14, 2004 01:37 AMAlso, major networks should be able to take advantage of Microsoft's volume-licensing agreement ;-)
Posted by Blogbat email at September 14, 2004 01:38 AM"Brilliant! -- Too bad Dan Rather didn't beta-test the trial version."
Who says he didn't?
I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.
Posted by Jody email at September 14, 2004 10:17 AMExcellent!
Posted by Anonymous email at September 14, 2004 10:19 AMGot this up at http://medvedfans.blog-city.com. Thanks!!
Posted by Bleeding heart conservative email at September 14, 2004 11:29 AMGreat post! Too funny. Does a link from Michelle Malkin qualify as a Michellanche?
Keep up the good work.
Posted by Bruce email at September 14, 2004 11:55 AMOh, yes - Wang was _the_ word processor before PC's hit the market. There are still some Wang VS machines in use out there...
Posted by ccdesan email at September 14, 2004 04:04 PMVery funny! By the way, What's a PUBIC domain?
Posted by Alli email at September 14, 2004 04:16 PMI wonder if MS Forger was used to create this: http://geocities.com/jsmithy2 ???
:-)
Dan Rather is an intern??
Posted by Learned-on-a-typewriter email at September 15, 2004 01:50 AMFunny stuff.
Love the Pope pic. His Holiness must have gotten the blue screen of death.
I think the CIA beta-tested this program with the WMD intelligence.
Posted by zydy email at September 15, 2004 12:09 PMExcellent. We could've used this when we were preparing our TV ads.
Wey Symmes
Posted by Weymouth Symmes email at September 15, 2004 07:57 PMRe: "very funny. By the way, What's a PUBIC domain?": Sorry. That reference is to the previous administration.
Posted by Steve " 'Gator" Kimble email at September 16, 2004 04:55 AMYou mustn't forget the Military Clerk's Plugin..
Posted by Buddy email at September 16, 2004 07:29 AMJeff,
This is good stuff!! But remember that Microsoft is the Ford of the software universe which may not be good enough for perfectionists but which moved and continues to move the world.
Andy J
Posted by AJ email at September 16, 2004 03:55 PMI used to write software for WANG VS systems. It was a minicomputer made in the 80's. Like most minicomputers it went the way of the dinosaur with the introduction of the PC and distributed networks. We replaced it with a SUN server.
Posted by Quo Vadis email at September 17, 2004 01:41 AMThank you for your nice little parody. It made my day. I posted a web site a few months back that now appears to have been right on time. Anyone interested could go to www.boycottdanblather.com. (also accessible by going to www.carpefriggingdiem.com. Go Bush.
Posted by That Is Private email at September 17, 2004 12:05 PMNice comment on the forger, but I like even better the comment that follwed about "was there a processor called Wang?"
Oh, poor teeny-boppers who only think they know everything.
Way back when...well, 1982 actually, when I got my first "irritator" (all computers are irritators), it was a KayPro 2X: portable, only 28 lbs; two 5&1/4 floppies, no mouse, no hard drive, 5 inch monochrome monitor, six programs (with six manuals of approximately 300 pages each, and I wished they still did that!), 512k RAM and and external (separately purchased modem) and the damn thing ran on C/PM, long before DOS and windows. That and a daisywheel printer let me do word processing, crude graphics, spreadsheets, and a couple other things all for the low, low price of $2,995. At the same time, my boss bought a Wang for use in the office. All it could do was accounts payable/receivable. And it cost $25,000! Ain't progress wonderful?
Sinfully yours,
Hortense Fishwife
Garden Editor
www.krazygab.com
The real tip-off that the memos weren't typed on ANY typewriter (even and IBM Executive) is that the upper & lower case (M & m) are different widths. On an Exec they were the same (5 units).
Ray Wood
30-year IBMr
"who the closes they have been"
Posted by mike email at September 19, 2004 01:45 AMmy nadz itch
Posted by futant email at September 20, 2004 03:37 PMPlease feel free to post the following:
CBS Says “Memopause” was the cause of the Phony Guard Documents
19 minutes ago
AP NEW YORK (parody, not forgery) - CBS apologized Monday and said it was misled about the authenticity of documents used to support a "60 Minutes" story that questioned President Bush's Vietnam War-era National Guard service, after several experts denounced them as fakes.
In an exclusive interview CBS News President Andrew Heyward said "This was a terribly regrettable case of shoddy journalism by our senior news journalist, Mr. Dan Rather. The only thing I can say in his defense is that at 72 he is probably suffering from 'male menopause'."
When asked about Mr. Heyward's comment Mr. Rather chuckled and said "hey, I like that! It was MEMOpause! Then it’s not my fault after all. So take that Brit Hume," an apparent reference to the Fox News Channel Special Report senior news anchor.
We contacted Dr. Ira Silverman, a clinical and research professor of medicine at Harvard University Medical School Center for Male Menopause, to see if Mr. Rather's behavior exhibited early signs of the disease. Dr. Silverman said "well, certainly we would have to perform a full series of tests concentrating on Mr. Rather's cerebral logic and self reality functions in his brain. A series of MRI and other sensitive diagnostic tests would need to be performed. However, it is very clear from Mr. Rather's behavior and continuing departures from reality that some form of mental breakdown may be occurring. I would urge Mr. Rather to seek treatment as early as possible."
Male menopause affects a small part of the male population. Extremist cases have been documented among U.S. coastal males between the ages of 45 and 95. A December 2000 British study of 2,225 men showed that there was a high correlation between males advocating feminism and other liberal agendas and the severity of the disease. The first case of male menopause was documented during the late 1960’s. There is no known cure but treatments, including intensive reality counseling, have shown effectiveness in slowing the progress of loss of reality and logic functions.
"You'll never corner the true pointy-head market without a Linux version."
MS Forger was developed using .Net technology. If your Linux machine includes a Just-in-Time compiler, you will be able to use MS Forger.
Posted by Jon email at September 26, 2004 11:54 AM
