May 3, 2004

In-Sin-erator�

Introducing the In-Sin-erator™, guaranteed to wipe away your sins when properly used. You will feel pure and as white as snow and your sins will be as far as the east is from the west.

Pre-Treatment

It is advised that for proper use of the In-Sin-erator™ that you first do an inspection. This inspection requires examination of your conscience (inspection flashlight not required). Detailed examination requirements can be found here.

Directions

1. Approach the In-Sin-erator from the front.

2. Look for the proper inspection insignia on the In-Sin-erator™ otherwise known as the Seal of Confession. This seal is not allowed to be broken.

3. Ensure that priest unit is inserted in the proper location. Head will be pointed towards the ceiling if properly inserted.

4.Choose an entrance to enter. One side will bring you face-to-face with the priest. The other side will contain a privacy grill placed between yourself, the penitent, and the priest. Either side will end in exactly the same results.
5. Make the sign of the cross while saying "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been (mentioned the time lapse since your last confession)"

6. You must list any mortal sins if committed and the number of times. Proceed to mention some of your venial sins. Classification of mortal sin can be found here.

Ensure that you have contrition for your sins. Failure to be contrite or not listing all mortal sins is improper use of this device and will not result in the desired removal of sin.

7. The priest unit is then activated and if it determines you are penitent, will give you advice and assign you a penance.

Do not be alarmed if the penance given does not seem proportional with your sin. You can not of your own work expiate your sins. Christ's redemptive death on the Cross and in his divine mercy gave the power to forgive sins to his Apostles.
Failure of the priest assign contrition or if you do no properly carry out the penance assigned is an improper operating procedure and will not result in the desired removal of sin.

8. Say an Act of Contrition or a short psalm of sorrow.

9. The priest then gives absolution saying: "God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."

10. The priest will dismiss you wit the words of praise: "Give thanks to the Lord for He is good" or "the Lord has freed you from your sins. Go in peace. You respond by saying either "His mercy endures forever" or "Thanks be to God."

11. Proceed to properly exit the In-Sin-erator™.

12. If the proper procedures have been followed, then congratulations your sins have been forgiven and you have been given the grace to help prevent future uncleanness due to sin.
Frequent use of this device when properly used can help in the result of sanctity. Suggested period of planned soul maintenance should at least be monthly or on a period as specified by a factory approved spiritual adviser.
On occasion these procedures will not be in accordance with factory standards. There are some known defective priest units out in the field that have yet to be recalled by the areas factory field representative, the Bishop. Report any improperly operating units and proceed directly to a functioning unit.
Hours of operation. These hours may vary due to your local operator. Access may be before each Mass or on Saturdays between 5:00 and 5:05 P.M.
When hearing confession, the priest unit should be wearing a purple stole. The color purple signifies sorrow and penance. If the priest unit is not wearing a stole the proper sin cleaning will still occur if other factory conditions are met.
Confession given by other then factory approved priest units violates the terms of the warranty and no cleaning will occur. Attempts of multiple cleanings such as a communal penance service where death is not imminent and the service does not end with individual use of the In-Sin-erator�, also fails the terms of the warranty.

Doing a parody of an In-Sin-erator was suggested to me by Josh of Dei Gratia.

Posted by Jeff Miller at May 3, 2004 6:17 PM