October 6, 2003

Church Bulletin

Michelle of And Then? in the post below on the combined Catholic/Anglican Church recommended that I might parody what their bulletin might look like. I decided to parody a fictional combined Catholic/Anglican Church.
St. Thomas Moore & King Henry VIII
Roman/Anglo-Catholic Church

At each others necks since the 1500s
Established 2001

Fr. Joseph Maria Maria
Fr. Luther Smyth Calvin

Letter from the Pastors

We would like to take this opportunity to thank our combined congregations for the progress we have made in the last couple of years. It has now been two years since the response at the kiss of peace was "Die, Heretic Die" and the ushers no longer have to wear a tie with their riot gear. As we approach this years celebration of Reformation/Counter-Reformation day I would ask you to refrain from some the actions that occurred last year. We did not look kindly at those who placed a copy Luther's 95 theses under the windshield wipers of our fellow Roman Catholics cars or those who placed detached Anne Boleyn doll heads on the antennas of our co-worshipers Anglican's cars. We would also encourage people not to refer to the Immaculate Conception hall as the Papist Patio or the Tynedale Room as the WASPs Nest. Additionally this years memorial of Blessed Cardinal John Henry Newman is not to be referred to as traitors day. We would ask in the name of ecumenism that whoever keeps leaving the copies of Apostolicae Curae in the Anglican Rectory to kindly stop. It is not charitable to keep saying that the Anglicans have invalid holy orders.

In today's sermon titled "That they may be Two" we will jointly preach from the Gospel of John, Jesus' high priestly prayer.

Wednesday Night Bible Study

Register now to start our through the Bible Classes.

Exploring the 73 books of the Bible --Immaculate Conception Hall.

Exploring the 66 books of the Bible --Tynedale Room
Everything you wanted to now about Sacraments, but were afraid to ask.

These seven and two week series begin Tuesday at 7 pm

The Seven Sacraments --Immaculate Conception Hall.

The Two Sacraments of the Church --Tynedale Room

The Last Church Council

Come join us on Thursdays at eight for information on the documents of the last Church Council.

Vatican II --Immaculate Conception Hall.

Second Council of Nicea --Tynedale Room

Preach the Gospel

Sign up for our new door to door evangelization teams. We will canvas the neighborhood proclaiming the truth of why they should become Roman Catholic or Anglicans. Since we have such a wide range of theological products to offer we should have a successful evangelization rate.

We start by knocking on the door and asking them if they are born again and/or baptized and proceed from there.
This Bulletin is made possible by the good folks at:

Catholic Answer and Chick Publications

With the presentation of this bulletin you can get 10 percent off on "Where we got the Bible: Our debt to the Catholic Church from Catholic Answers" or "20th Century Holocaust Hitler's Death Camps: Holocaust or Inquisition?" from Chick Publications.

This week's Mass Intentions

Monday. Oct, 6
That Anglicans may convert to the true faith.

Tuesday. Oct, 8
That Roman Catholics may convert to the true faith.

Wednesday. Oct, 9
For the intentions of the Holy Father

Thursday. Oct, 10
For the prayers of the Archbishop of Canterbury

Friday. Oct, 11
Anglicans pray that Roman Catholics might have a translation as beautiful as the 1662 English Book of Common Prayer.

Saturday. Oct, 12
Catholics pray that we might have a translation as beautiful as the 1662 English Book of Common Prayer.

Sunday. Oct, 13
For the poor souls in Purgatory, that is if Purgatory exists.

The Truth about Contraception

Now on Fridays at six.

Humana Vitae - Why Pope Paul VI was right.--Immaculate Conception Hall.

Why the Anglican Lambeth Conference of 1930 was right. --Tynedale Room
Confession Confusion

Because of problems in the past of mistaken cross-confession we have painted the Roman Catholic Confessional red and the Anglican Confessional blue.

Make sure you choose the correct confessional since what might be considered a sin in one might not be in the other.

Homosexuality and the Church

To help stop the confusion these classes will begin Saturday night.

A read through of the document "Considerations regarding proposals to give legal recognition to unions between homosexual persons.” --7 pm @ Immaculate Conception Hall.

Why homosexuality is always sinful --7 pm @ Tynedale Room

Why homosexuality is never sinful --8 pm @ Tynedale Room

Why homosexuality in committed relationships is not sinful --9 pm @ Tynedale Room
Movie Nights

In the joint parish hall we will be showing movies each Friday night at nine.

Oct 10. Man for All Seasons

Oct 17. Luther - The Movie

Oct 24. The Song of Bernadette

Oct 31. Reformation Day - A new film where Will Smith Fights off illegal aliens who are predominantly Catholic.
Posted by Jeff Miller at October 6, 2003 12:01 AM