The Curt Jester: Doctrine-o-matic

August 4, 2003

Doctrine-o-matic

From the company that brought you Build your own Protestant Catechism now brings you a new product. Inspired by the Episcopalian leaders who can determine Christian morality by vote. Upset with however the decision goes, no problem - you also can vote on doctrines and start your own Christian tradition.

How does it work? It's easy, simply fill out this form for your moral and Biblical preference and a Bible and history book will be rushed delivered to your door. Biblical verses that disagree with your presuppositions are removed or modified. You can even have all references to God substituted with your own name. The history book will be based on your answers so that you will have a ready made Christian Tradition to back up your opinions.

Submit this form now before midnight and we will also include in this amazing package your own bishop's mitre and a T-Shirt that says "I'm infallible in Faith and Morals, how about you?"

Select the Commandments that you want:
I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain

Remember thou keep the Sabbath Day.

Honor thy Father and thy Mother

Thou shalt not kill.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Thou shalt not steal.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods.

None of the above

Enter your own commandments here

Jesus is:
God and the second person of the Holy Trinity
God alone
A nice guy who would only eat vegetables and sing Kumbaya around a campfire
Really pissed at everyone but you

Christian Tradition is:
Doctrine passed down from Jesus through the Apostles
Something invented by Catholics to justify whatever they want
Useful when it agrees with your viewpoint
Determined by a vote or a focus group

The true Church is:
Physical and spiritual and is the Catholic Church
A spiritual body only, made up of all believers of all denominations
A non denominational Church that coincidentally is only one block from your house
In my house
If you selected "In my house", enter your address here

When we die, we ultimately go to:
Heaven or Hell
Heaven only
Nowhere, that all folks
Heaven for all true believers like yourself and Hell for everyone else

At the second coming of Christ:
The world comes to an end
Some are raptured, some are left behind
The job market suddenly has many openings for those left behind

The Saints are:
Those who have died in friendship with God
A term that can be used for all Christian believers
A football team that chokes in December

Biblical exegesis is:
A critical interpretation of a text
A process that reveals an interpretation that amazingly matches your own beliefs

Marriage is a:
Sacrament
Condiment
Legal contract until someone grows bored

Marriage is between:
A Man and a Woman
Consenting adults of either sex who are in a committed relationship
Any amount of people of either sex
A rock and a hard place

Divorce is:
Not licit for those validly married
Licit in cases of adultery
Licit for any reason

Homosexual acts are:
Intrinsically disordered
Okay and part of God's plan for human sexuality
Okay, as long as your aren't in a prison cell with someone named Bubba from West Virginia

Humility is:
What all Christians should strive for
For losers who aren't like you
Your middle name

Abortion is:
Always evil
Evil except in cases of rape or incest
A woman's right
A sacrament of the Democratic Party

Genesis is:
Divinely inspired story that tells of man's fall
Exact history useful as a science text book
A good band that started to suck when Peter Gabriel left

If you believe you are God or the second Coming of Jesus, please enter your full name to be inserted into the biblical texts.

Your Credit Card number and expiration date has been prophetically determined and will be charged three monthly payments of $24.95.

Posted by Jeff Miller at August 4, 2003 8:45 PM | TrackBack